Edit: I'm seeing a lot of comments on twitter and elsewhere blaming PAX for this incident and the security guard's reaction. This party was NOT held by PAX, it was not even in the same venue, hell it wasn't even on the same street. It was not affiliated with, sponsored by or organized by PAX. The only things it had in common were being gaming related and being the same weekend in the same city. I'm even seeing some blaming Mojang and Notch (the party was held by Notch himself, not Mojang). The ONLY person who should be held accountable for what happened is the asshole himself. And if you're going to get mad about security, blame that guard. Also this post isn't about nerd or gamer culture or blaming those cultures at all, this could happen in any community, at any party, to anyone.
So before I write up my official PAX Prime blogpost I wanted to touch on this, because it happened and I want to talk about it but I don't want the bad feels tainting the rest of the awesomeness that was PAX.
Around the end of the (amazing) Minecraft party (which is NOT affiliated with PAX at all, this is a separate, privately held party but is in no way organized or held by the same people as PAX), my feet were tired, I was tired and I had been drinking and dancing for nearly 6 hours straight. I found myself a secluded and empty couch in the VIP section so that I could drink my rum and Coke in peace, rest, people watch and catch up on Internety things on my phone.
I don't exactly know what it is about a girl sitting alone, at a party that just screams "YES I TOTALLY WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY YOU, RANDOM GUY" but it does. You'd think in a social situation like that if I wanted to be social then I wouldn't be sitting alone. And I'm usually (always) too nice to say "Hey, fuck off" so when they start small talk I'll reply, but keep trying to ignore them while looking at my phone. So when he came over I did the same. "Oh yes, hi, no I don't work for a gaming company but my boyfriend does. No he's not here he's busy with work. Oh yeah Japan is awesome, where at does your sister live?" One of my very good friends at the party caught my eye and made a gesture asking if I needed help, but no I didn't, I mean, it was just normal small talk at the time.
This went on for a while, but maybe I was too drunk or maybe I still try to hard to be "one of the guys" to realize it was quickly going into creeper (haha, get it? get it? Minecraft party?) territory.
So when he started talking about boobs I didn't really care. When he started showing me pictures of boobs of girls at the party that he had taken I thought "okay that's weird whatever maybe he asked beforehand." At some point he raised a concern about being Asian and women not wanting him cause of some stereotypical view of penis size, and I was like "most women will agree size doesn't matter" and went back to my phone.
Then he grabbed my free wrist and put it on his crotch and asked "Is this big enough?"
That would have been bad enough, but he had also pulled his dick out through the zipper of his pants. I had no idea what to do but say "You can't do that!" and NOPE'D the fuck on out of there to find my friends. There's a tweet from right around when this happened that says "I NEED AN ADULT AGAIN."
I mentioned it to my group right after it happened, but it didn't really sink in to them, or me, for a while. I tried to dance and drink it off for a bit, but eventually just sat down as the situation began to replay in my head and as soon as the party ended I bolted for the door to find a cab, trying to hold tears back. Thoughts of "Is this how people who don't know me in the industry see me? Did he not even HEAR the amount of times I mentioned my boyfriend? Did he think I was just some whore?" and of course all the guilty thoughts of "Is this my fault for not leaving the conversation sooner/dressing like this/etc." Being drunk also wasn't helping me be any less upset. My friends tried to find him, and tried to tell security (and got a "Okay? What do you expect me to do?" response). I freaked out for a bit, but thank god I have amazing friends who were there to smother me in hugs and "I'll break his dick off" threats. And I'm thankful that if something that shitty had to have happened, that it happened that close to the end of the party. The events totalled about 30 minutes from it happening (I tweeted around 1:22am) to me waiting on a cab to leave (2amish).
I'm not okay with it, but I'm dealing with it better than I was right after it happened. Hell, I was even on the phone with my airline trying to see how early I could leave as soon as I got back to my hotel. I'm trying my best to keep it separated in my mind from the rest of PAX as to not let it overshadow the awesome time I had this weekend. It's fucked up and I keep replaying the scene in my head and trying to figure out what I could have done differently to keep it from happening. People tell me I should've called the cops or screamed or made a huge scene, but I didn't want that type of attention and the reaction of the security guard made me feel like cops would be even more of a waste. I actually even deleted a lot of the tweets I posted, because I felt ashamed and embarrassed that this happened to me. I didn't want to ruin the party/PAX for other people. I don't want people to pity me. "I'm stronger than this" I kept saying to myself as I was crying.
So yeah. Needed to get that shit off my chest. And I'm sure all the drunk, self-loathing tweets that I sent out at the time weren't really helpful, but I definitely don't want to act like this didn't happen. This is more common than people think and could happen to anyone you love, anywhere, anytime, in any community. A girl should be able to go and sit alone at a party and not be bothered, or go where they want and dress how they want and not be treated like that.
153 comments :
What a fucking sexual assaulter!
There is no "should" when you've been assaulted. We get this with violent assaults: if someone gets punched we don't say that they must run away or punch back or get friends to hold the guy back or call the police or let it go or talk it out, and we certainly don't put them in the double bind where no matter which of those things they do they're going to face criticism.
However, I am also *extremely* disappointed in security and I hope that by PAX East they will have training in place and an explicit, detailed harassment policy so that the security guards will know exactly what to do. Unlike someone being assaulted, they do have responsibilities.
I sincerely hope they find this clown...
Seriously WTF is wrong with people!
The PAX conference DOES have a harassment policy, stated on the second page of the conference brochure. It essentially says that if you whip your dick out and make a girl touch it, you get kicked out of the conference - no questions asked.
But this wasn't a PAX party - it was a private Mojang company party. A party where, i hear, pretty girls from a modelling agency were hired to populate the party and to be unrealistically friendly/flirty with the guests, which may provide context to this guy's outrageous actions (but of course, it doesn't excuse them).
i'm really sorry this happened to you. Ignore your friends "should'ves" ... you reacted the way you reacted. The "should've" - the burden of decent conduct in a situation like that - is squarely on the guy who's considering taking his dick out.
This guy needs to be found and charged. That's sexual assault. And, of course, since that won't happen, he at very, very very least needs to be blacklisted from every social event, like, ever. Seriously.
I believe this would have fallen under the clubs security policy as well as police jurisdiction. If it had been reported it would have been their responsibility to make it right.
This is something that was totally not your fault! Talking to a guy while sitting on a couch in NO WAY makes this ok. Small talk is something we all make. Maybe because of the few drinks you had you let the small talk go on longer then sober you would have but thats it. This dude was a dirty creeper/harasser and thats that!
I am glad you shared your story as much as you may not have wanted to. Now if this happens to someone else (lets hope not) she will feel more empowered to say "HECK NO" and as your put it (made me smile) say "I need an adult!"
I am so sorry this happened to you! What a disgusting creep. I also cannot believe that security guard. You went up to him and told him you were sexually assaulted and his response was "What do you expect me to do?"
UM, HIS JOB?
This is the first time in a long, long time that the comments about an incident like this gave me any hope that there was any descent shred of humanity left in the world.
There is no "should've" - there's only what's right for you and only you can answer that.
You did nothing wrong. You need to fully grasp that. Some men are horrible and will take any opportunity to be abusive towards women. The vast majority of men would not behave like he did.
What he did was sexual assault, the security guard was wrong and inappropriate. We should be able to go, sit and dress however we like without harassment from predators like him. Please let PAX know so that they can address this in future. Thank you for having the courage to share this xxxxx
i feel like this is important to say: Good for you for writing about it and sharing your experience! that same complicated impulse that made you delete those tweets is what keeps a lot of people from ever even talking about the messed up stuff like this that happens to them ALLLLLL too frequently. which ultimately helps provide the hush hush environment that creepers best operate in. obviously sucks beyond suckitude that this happened, but as far as i can tell, you're responding to it in a really healthy way, both for yourself and for the general dialogue surrounding this issue. props.
I'm echoing a lot of things that others have already said, but I'll just say them again to support. That security guard needs to be fired. Him giving that response equates to him not doing his job, period. He should be fired.
I'm sorry this happened to you. As a woman I totally understand that you went through feeling shame and wondered what you could have done different. It's how society has conditioned us. But good for you for fighting through that to speak up about this. That guys behavior is NOT ok, he should be found and charged.
I really dislike when things like this get categorized as "boundary issues". People with boundary issues may make you uncomfortable, but they aren't doing anything wrong, per se. While this began as a boundary issue - a person yammering on and on with someone who obviously didn't want to be there, it ended with a reprehensible assault. This person has committed the criminal act of sexual assault. That's not a boundary issue. That's a crime that should be severely punished by the law, well above and beyond what any private group's response might be.
I am so sorry that you had to suffer through that, and hope that you are OK. Please don't give this person any slack though, by framing the incident as "guys with boundary issues". This guy is a piece of shit with serious problems, not just a nerd with boundary issues.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm horrified this happened in such an isolating way to you, but thank you for fighting against that isolation. You make it easier for the next victim of socially accepted sexual assault (because there's a reason the security guard didn't give a shit even though this was a heinous example) to speak up and not stay silent, and someday make it NOT ACCEPTABLE to place any of your sexual desires over the desires and safety of others.
Even the tone of your post implies you still feel like you had some sort of culpability in this guy's actions. Being a pretty, inebriated girl who is fine with discussing boobs or penis size does not give men carte blanche to assault you in any fashion. We are so good at victim shaming ourselves, and predators like this guy get away with it because we feel like somehow it must be our fault.
This is not your fault. AT ALL.
As guy, your scenario about getting punched is EXACTLY the type of stuff guys hear from other guys if they get punched. Not that it excuses it, but I think it's important to realize this is more than just a double standard: To many guys, victim blaming for anything is the gold standard -- it's a flaw with how many men approach everything and will unfortunately be harder to fight than a logical inconsistency. =/
As for Ky, I think you're being incredibly strong about this and have nothing to be ashamed of and you're definitely doing the right thing by airing it publicly. It must be incredibly tough to talk about this so calmly and fairly after going through something like that. Even coming forward to begin with must be a nightmarish proposition, considering how people have historically reacted to this kind of news. So thank you and I wish you the best of luck dealing with this whole horrible situation.
It's a minecraft party. There are going to be weirdos there.
The party is held separate from PAX so if anything it is the security hired by the party or the security hired by the party venue (WaMu Theater) that needs the training.
You heard correctly. The hot girls in dresses with red wristbands were all hired help to socialize with the VIP guests.
Also thank you <3
It never fails to break my heart when I hear about this kind of crap.
No, none of this bears any reflection on you, your job, your blog, your character, your looks, your relationship, or your demeanor. The fact that you even considered that it did is a painful remnant of the misogyny and patriarchy that used to overwhelm our culture and still refuse to leave it. I hope you find a way to rebound from this with minimal impact.
There is not an iota of responsibility you should accept... it all belongs to the wretched toad who assaulted you.
Very brave for actually sharing this - no shame on yourself!!
Fringe event organisers, as Con organisers, need to be aware that, sad as it is, there is always the potential for bad stuff to happen. Their first job is to do everything they can to prevent it, the second is to do something about it if it does happen!
That security guard was pathetic. If he's actually trained, then he needs to be fired. If he's not trained, then training needs to hapen!
And for the pervert: there is nothing that gives him a reason or excuse to do something like that. The blame is all on him.
Stay strong, and try not to let it get in the way of everything else.
Bob hit the nail on the head there.
I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, and that when you reported it, you weren't helped. I'm kinda reminded of this: https://twitter.com/AlsBoy/status/242589560121483264/photo/1
I also wanted to let you know that the way you are feeling right now is very common after a traumatic experience, so please don't think you're reacting in any way 'over the top' or 'abnormally'. You're going through all the possible scenarios of what happened, what might have happened, what you could have/should have/might have done. That is part of the way your brain processes and deals with what happened to you. If these thoughts persist or become disturbing to you, don't hesitate to go and talk to a healthcare professional.
I can't believe how dismissive security was in the face of sexual assault. That security person out to be fired and never allowed to provide "security" at an event ever again. Even if they weren't able to do anything about it becuase you couldn't find the guy who did it, they need to take action and reaffirm to you and everyone there that that is not acceptable behavior for the convention.
Reiterating the opinion [fact?] that you should in no way feel responsible for this incident. I also wish the guy were identified so at the very, very least he could have been held by the SPD for a few days, missed his flight, and returned home to find a lifetime ban from Mojang games.
I wish it weren't true that idiots like these would exist in any self-selected sampling of human beings, but one of the biggest factors that contributes to the persistence of these sorts of problems is that the people involved have no idea that they are doing anything wrong. We need more education, and the sharing of your story helps do just that.
Sorry to hear it man. As a female gamer and tech worker I spend a lot of time trying to make sure there are more women, and more women having a positive experience. I am very sorry that you had that option robbed of you.
I haven't ever read your blog before now, but I'm a gamer girl too (I go to PAX East)and I want you to know it's not your fault. Please read the article I've linked. This is a symptom of a larger problem. I'm glad you have such good friends.
http://captainawkward.com/2012/08/07/322-323-my-friend-group-has-a-case-of-the-creepy-dude-how-do-we-clear-that-up/
Why the hell are Mojang hiring girls to do this shit in the first place? Particularly after the uproar about Booth Babes at E3.
Urgh, yet another reason for me to distance myself from gamers, despite my love of games.
Exactly this. I would let the party organizers and the venue where the party was know about this. It will let them know the security they had sucked and hopefully prevent further incidents and/or poor handling of incidents.
Fuck those security assholes. There will always be assholes -- we have to count on the people who are supposed to protect us to, you know, protect us. When a sexual assault is reported to them, they shouldn't just shrug like it's beyond their control. This is why initiatives like the Back Up Project (http://backupproject.org/) need to spread. We sure as hell can't count on existing authority structures to handle this when it happens -- and as long as it isn't handled, it's perfectly clear to people who want to behave this way that they can do so without fear of consequences.
I can believe it, unfortunately.
Hell with next time, I'd report it now.
I love to tell my non-gamer friends how great the gamer community is to each other. Kindhearted individuals who can share, laugh, and joke about interests before even exchanging first names. And then there's this asshole ruining it for everybody.
Sorry you had to go through that. Trust that there are a number of people who would've drop kicked the idiot in the face the moment they saw that monstrous act occur.
So long as you know that all the cowardice, cruelty, horror & mistakes were done by the creep and all the brave, strong, positive & good moves were done by you.
He did all the wrong.
You did all the right.
Shouldn't be hard to find the guy.
-Pax East time frame
-VIP area at the minecraft party.
-Asian guy.
You have the time, the place, and a description of a VIP area, no reason he can't be found and punished. If he carries around boobs on his phone, I'm pretty sure he'd be easy to find and prosecute, and you may be saving some other girl the horror of a similar(or worse) incident with him in the future if you do decide to investigate and bring it to a head. That's the important thing, saving someone else or many other people form his future deviations.
I am so sorry that happened to you. You are right no one deserves that. I hope that dick bag gets hit by a train on his way home. It takes a lot of strength to post this on a blog and to talk about it openly. Thank you for being able to stand up for yourself.
The Dave
Agreed. I have so many friends in the industry and meet so many awesome new people at every gaming event. This blog is no way supposed to be a "nerds are fucking creeps" blog and I'm hoping no one reads it that way. Every community has their bad eggs, I just had the bad luck of meeting this one.
She was. She was in a room away from others trying to avoid conversation, and when someone did approach, she gave a rather clear indication she wasn't paying attention.
Could it have been avoided if she was clearer about telling him she was not interested in a conversation? Hard to say, and it definitely doesn't excuse his actions any.
Just so you know Ryan, this article is on reddit - and your picture is the thumbnail. It made me think you were the one who did the harrassing. Just an FYI
You're putting the responsibility onto her for what happened with this comment. That is inappropriate. She should not feel compelled to move every time someone she doesn't know sits next to her. No one should.
Uh, wow.
That's kinda ridiculous. I mean, is this the first time this guy's tried putting those moves on someone? Was this his first party? He had enough initiative to escalate the harassment toward you like that, but not enough sense to...not do it in the first place. Weirdo.
Also, isn't it really obvious what security should've done? I would've gone with "not let that guy stay in the building".
What the hell? I'm so sorry. While I really have no right to say what you should or shouldn't do, please at least consider reporting this to the police, because sex offenders need to be stopped.
Maybe you haven't heard. "Having boundary issues" is itself code for "serial assailant."
Dunno if you need any more comments from random people, but I'm sorry this happened to you. :/ You did and are doing the best you can to deal with this.
Thank you for sharing. I need to somehow figure out best how to prepare my daughter for stuff like this. :/ Maybe we can change the world before then.
As nerd / geek / tech / gamer culture becomes more recognized by mainstream media and popular culture, the poorly-socialized contingent (who would have originally sought solace in niche hobbies along with others who felt similarly outcast) is now being forcefully thrown back out into the daylight, and those of us who've grown up and learned the tough lessons of how to get along with others and how to treat women (or anyone for whom we're attracted to) now have to simultaneously set the shining example for our hobby and at the same time perform the reckoning on the recluses who have yet to "get it".
I meant to come back and elucidate
but what you're literally saying here is "you should have known this wasn't a safe place, and what happened to you is on you"
Just like everyone before me I am terribly sorry about what happened to you. You had no way of knowing what was to come, or how to react. I hope your story is the start of something big in this industry, and something that could lead to the prevention of sexual assault at gaming conventions, expos, etc. The best closure for you and others who have experienced similar situations is to see the start of this "preventive" movement. I understand that it is impossible to stop sexual assault as a whole, but there is no excuse to stop it in a community/ industry that prides themselves on problem-solving skills. With the prevention of sexual assault, consumers can devote full attention and joy to what they came there for. However, my opinion may seem null because I am currently just a college student wanting to work in the games industry, but then again hopes and dreams are small enough for anyone to have and big enough to change the world. Cheers.
This is not okay. Drinking is not an excuse. If there costumes it's not an excuse. There are no excuses for an adult assaulting you! He should be arrested and see what it's like to have his body forced to do something against his will.
I always thought I'd know exactly what to do in that kind of situation. That I'd prepared myself and could handle it like a pro. Wrong. You never see it coming and it's always horrible. I got molested at a massage parlor in NY. I kind of told the guy to knock it off when he was spending way too much time on my butt. And completely didn't say anything when he kept going for my breasts. I was so in shock I even tipped the fucker. Later that week, I tried calling the parlor to report him nobody ever answered the phone and I never had the guts to go back inside when I passed the place. That was years ago and I still feel like a tool.
I'm sorry this happened to you. You always hope you'll have the sense to grab and twist or say something scathing but it's just not so. I'm glad you had some friends to be with after. I think you handled it very well.
WTF?
The security absolutely needs training. What they should have done? Found the guy and kicked him out at the very least, if not hold him in custody until the police arrives to arrest him for sexual harassment.
Also: No one deserves this and this is not how the industry or any majority sees you, this is how a pervy guy with issues wanted to see you. This has nothing to do with your clothes, hair or make-up - or even reality! It's all just in his head.
Why bother with the code? Let's call a spade a spade and a serial sexual assaulter a serial sexual assaulter.
Don't have anything to say that hasn't already been said, but:
Yeah, that guy was beyond inappropriate, he is criminal.
This is not your fault! It's so sad that the onus is so frequently and heavily placed on the victim.
Sexual assault is sexual assault. Thank you so much for such a well-written post on the experience. Awareness that things like this happen is the first step in prevention and support. May your strength be an example. Please accept sympathy from yet another random person.
So, chin up. Fighting!
What happened to you was not sexual harassment. It was sexual assault, which is a crime. You are well within your rights to call 911.
This is a disgrace. I hope you aren't too shaken up from this ordeal. I hope someone finds and charges this guy, he's an asshole. You have shown incredible strength and resilience being able to post about this. You should be proud of yourself for handling this is an outstanding way.
Best wishes.
What a bastard! That was not only inappropriate and demeaning but also completely illegal. I do hope that guy gets what's coming to him and ends up in jail somewhere for a while to prevent him doing anything like this to anyone else. I discovered your website thanks to a retweet from Rutskarn and look forward to reading some of your future posts.
I don't know you and found this blog post because my friend Kiri shared a link. Holy crap. I am SO sorry. This is beyond boundary issues of an "incident" to me. What a terrible thing. I'm glad you got out of the situation immediately and had friends around. This scares me and I hate this because it gives a reason for women to be nervous at parties and wary of what guys who approach them are really thinking. Again, so sorry.
Thank you for sharing your story. I empathize wholly with what you went through, having had a similar experience myself. The worst part is how sick you feel after- wondering if you are guilty in some way. I know that's exactly how I felt, too. You have to remember that you are *not* at fault and that nothing excuses his behavior, at all, ever. You'll probably feel very jumpy around people for a while, at least I did, but it definitely gets better and sharing your story has helped other women to feel less alone. Keep strong. <3
Let me know how it goes the next time someone grabs your hand and crams it in their private parts. Someone you don't know, nor would care to.
I'm really sorry you had to deal with this, and that security was so dismissive. No part of that situation was OK, and no part of it was your fault.
Ignore the people who all know exactly what you 'should have' done. In a moment like that (I've had one or two) there's a sense of unreality that sets in where you're thinking, "I cannot possibly be having this experience," that can prevent you from doing all those things that people who haven't had the experience are all certain they'd have the presence of mind to do.
The worst part for me was that feeling of "I am a strong competent woman, who is trained to deal with other people's experiences JUST LIKE THIS ONE, and I still stood there and blinked at him like an idiot. I ought to know better how to handle that!" But that unreality, that denial sets in when it's actually happening. If nothing else, it's given me more empathy in working with others who've experienced sexual assault or harassment. I hope they find the guy who did this and bounce him out of the community on his pointy little head.
And if th had happened to a hired hostess/model with a short skirt and a red wristbandt STILL would have been inappropriate and sexual assault.
I find this so interesting... I hope more people read this.
Yes, please, report this! It's not too late, and it's never too late.
If there is a "next time, will he learn his lesson?" then I believe steps should be taken to prevent any sort of "next time."
His behavior is inexcusable, yes, that's not up for debate.
Your comments at the beginning and end of the article however, "I don't exactly know what it is about a girl sitting alone that just screams "YES I TOTALLY WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY YOU, RANDOM GUY" but it does." and "A girl should be able to go and sit alone at a party and not be bothered, or go where they want and dress how they want and not be treated like that.", are ridiculous.
When did you ever tell him "Hey, I'm just not in the mood to talk right now." No, you just sat there, let this creep keep bothering you for however long, noticed that he kept escalating into pervert mode, then continued to sit there and take it.
Hey Ryan,
A quick point to clarify. The party wasn't a Mojang party. Markus (Notch) paid for the entire thing himself, so it was his party. The production company wanted to have more girls there to up the girl to guy ratio. It's a pretty typical club procedure. Mojang didn't hire them.
That being said - this guy had no right to do something like this to Ky OR to a hired model. The girls there weren't getting undressed or being ridiculously provocative. That guy was a pervert who should never have been there. I really hope it was some non-gaming person who snuck in and not an industry person (as I've found most of the guys in the gaming industry to be pretty great. If he is a gamer, I would hate to be him if people ever find out who he is.
Ky - this completely sucks. It's terrible that a guy would act that way towards any girl and I hate that it ruined the end of your PAX experience.
~Lydia Winters
Mojang's Director of Fun
@lydiawinters
As a security guard, most the time something like this we could not do anything about, Unless more people saw this happen and we had the guy the best we could do is write down your story, when the cops showed up, relay it to them, where then the woman would then tell the story to them again and like I said if we did not have the guy (such as in the story she stormed off) and it was just the woman's word the police would then leave. Sorry there isn't much security or police could do in this situation.
"I don't exactly know what it is about a girl sitting alone that just screams "YES I TOTALLY WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY YOU, RANDOM GUY" but it does."
It shouldn't. Women should be allowed to sit by themselves if they want to. A woman sitting alone is not an invitation for random strangers to approach her for a 'good time' or anything related.
"A girl should be able to go and sit alone at a party and not be bothered, or go where they want and dress how they want and not be treated like that.", are ridiculous."
THIS IS NOT RIDICULOUS. She clearly explained why she was making small talk, and even so, we should be allowed to dress how we wish without fearing others will disturb us. It may be how society runs now, but it is NOT how things should be.
It's curious, though... why is everyone such a prude about touching?
Unknown (why won't you use your name?), are you kidding? You're completely missing the point. She shouldn't HAVE to get up and move away because she should not have to fear that some asshole is going to grab her hand and place it on his exposed penis. Right?
I think a lot of women have been in similar situations (I know I have..) You just hope that eventually they'll figure out they're not getting anywhere and will move on. You don't want to escalate and possibly provoke the drunken stranger by openly rejecting them, because that's even worse than putting up with it until they go away.
This guy crossed the line, and Ky (I don't know her, btw) isn't at fault for not leaving. She shouldn't have expected that he'd sexually assault her if she didn't.
@Lindsay Dodge If something like that happened to me (even though I'm a male) and I'm not easily grossed out I'd not only grab it but also his balls and crush them. Then kick him maybe?
But I can't speak for others. I once was approached by a drug dealer insisting on selling me the 'finest cocain' in europe. I kept saying no but he was still trying to make me buy it. If a friend of mine didn't pull me out of that I don't know what would I have done. I'm a passive person myself.
Bullshit. If the security person was an off-duty cop, he was under an ethical obligation to investigate any reports and, at a minimum, put the fear of arrest and jail time into anyone pulling shit like this. And any well-trained security person would LOVE the opportunity to do the same AND, at a minimum, kick the asshole out of the venue.
Your comment reveals that you are neither well-trained nor ethical. Congrats!
From your description of the guy, I detect the stench of a Pick-Up Artist.
It is not your fault. It sucks that our society teaches us that it is. We need to be better at teaching men to respect boundaries rather than teaching women to fear men. I'm so sorry.
So, a drunk guy makes drunk girl touch his dick at a drunken party and the girl is mentally scarred for life and recovering from PTSD? nice
Instead of "tweeting", you should have called the cops or alerted people. There are jerks everywhere and they will go to any and every party. It helps to be more cautious and responsive.
What kind of friends do you have that they don't care? Also trying to "dance and drink it off" is incredibly poor judgement. You should have backed away much earlier or brought proper authority ASAP. It always helps to have a guy friend around to hold that scumbag in place. You have to also know who's responsible for hosting the party so they can help.
I'm not blaming you, but you could have reacted much more responsibly. Think about how many trolls there are in the internet. They exist in real life!
I really hope this pervert gets caught. It seems Notch is looking into it, and I don't doubt him for a second. Hopefully with CCTV, VIP pass lists and securities statement he'll be brought to justice.
In the meantime, stay strong. Just by reading this post I can already tell you are doing that, don't blame ANY of this on yourself though. Please.
Let us know about any further developments on this, I reckon something will happen about this soon now that it seems to be spreading like wildfire around the internet.
She mentions she already had a few to drink and obviously her judgement would be hindered by that, but I reckon she felt pretty embarrassed about the whole thing too. Besides, women don't often realise that something like this is suitable to report to the police until it's too late.
Lay off her, it's done now. I'm sure if she could zip back in time she would take your words into consideration. I still hope she reports this to the police anyway. I don't know what the police are like in America but here in the UK they are pretty vigilant about this stuff.
@Lydia Thanks for the clarification! Sorry for getting that detail wrong.
@Will Euh ... not cool. Normally, i'd say no publicity is bad publicity, but in this case...
You're inadvertently making yourself a martyr.I already see the Kotaku post.
CUTE NERDY GIRL SEXUALLY HARASSED, WORLD STOPS SPINNING
I hope you learned a good lesson about not getting drunk, which hurts your body far more than sexual harassment does and which impedes your moral judgment, such as how you brushed off the boob pictures rather than walking away from the pervert. I'm not blaming you for the harassment. I'm glad you weren't raped. You have my sympathy.
Oh my God, I am so sorry you had to go through with this. I seriously hope this guy gets tracked down and sent to prison, maybe he can get a taste of his own medicine when he's sexually assaulted.
To everyone here saying "If it were me, I woulda..." I know that some of these responses are born of empathy, but seriously, you have no idea what you would actually do in a completely sudden, frightening situation like that. Not to mention it can be viewed as disrespect by the victim of the assault; when someone is violated like that, as Ky has written, you instantly guilt yourself and question what you could have done differently. Why add to the unnecessary doubt?
Ky, I wish you the best and be strong when the trolls flood in. You've got a lot of unwavering support and I hope you are able to ID the fucknugget who did this to you. He's the one deserving of the shame, not you.
That's what I was thinking, but it's always so hard to have a good comeback to just about any offense. I remember the after-the-fact damnit-I-shoulda when a guy came into my dorm and flashed me: point and laugh. Darned esprit de escalier.
Drinking to the point that it impairs your judgment is itself poor judgement.
I'm not being hard on her. Reality is. I'm being realistic. Let's be honest, her reactions were quite naive for someone in their mid-twenties.
You can learn things the hard way or you can be more cautious and prepared beforehand, which is all I'm saying. A lot of unfortunate things can happen to you in life that isn't your fault, but how you respond can either make it better or worse. Learning how to handle situations is part of maturity.
It is probably not too late to do something about this. The party was high profile and I wouldn't doubt finding pictures of all the people at the party would be too much work over the next couple of days. You might be able to identify the guy from those pictures and bring him to justice.
Thank you for speaking out. It was pretty bad up there in the VIP area, some guy grabbed my hair near the upper bar. Security was AWFUL I actually complained to the police standing outside about them (the security) to no avail.
I hope it wasn't who I'm thinking it could have been...
I've gone through all my photos and photos from my friends' phones but no luck
I have to ask, and sorry that I'm a sub-human monster, but WAS it big enough?
My gosh. What is wrong with some people?
Taking you at your word, you ARE blaming the victim. You're blaming her for not reacting more strongly to the boob pictures, for not reacting "correctly" which is in your eyes and experiences, and blaming her for drinking. It puts the onus on her to be more careful and not on the criminal for sexually assaulting someone.
What would a man have to do at a bar to be considered to have drunken too much to the point that he should have known better? And of any things you could name, what would be actions taken by other people upon him? Very curious.
I'll echo what a lot have already said. It doesn't matter how you were dressed, how many drinks you had, how you were acting or any other bullshit excuses that people can give when things like this happen. No one has the right to force them self on you in any way. I hope that the blog post was somewhat cathartic and that the support of the community (for the most part) has been helping. I also hope that you pursue this as far as you can.
This guy was an asshat, pure and simple.
What stinks is that this happened to you.
What doesn't stink is how you're making it a public issue.
I applaud your bravery in speaking out when so many victims don't feel safe to do so.
I hope with your help the hammer of justice can be brought down on his sorry ass and that others will now feel strong enough or inspired enough to speak out when they are also attacked.
Thank you so much. There have been some things said (here and on other places people have posted this story) that have made me question if I should have said anything at all. But the amount of people (both male and female) who have come out and said they wish they had been brave enough to be open when they had something like this happen, and them opening up about their experiences, makes me feel like it was the right decision.
First off I am so sorry that happened to you and it really sucks. I feel for you. And that stuff has happened to me just over and over. 8-( Here is my 2 cents about the giant load of feelings that you describe.
If someone had stepped on your toe, and then laughed at you... then you would brush it off, the way you kinda seem to expect yourself to do here for a sexual assault on you from a creepy stranger. It's upsetting to pretty much anyone to have this happen. I think part of what's upsetting is that it confronts us with the fact that we exist in a culture that excuses sexual assault and blames us for it. We are also expected (and expect ourselves) to simultaneously be shamed into silence and laugh it off as nothing. And we are also expected, and brought up, to not tell dudes to fuck off when they start talking to us, or when they cross the line, because it's like we are brought up not to SEE the line until it's been crossed (and by that time it's somehow our fault... I call bullshit!!) It's a huge double bind. Anyway, it is partly the cultural meaning of what happened that makes it horrible. And the meaning this guy was getting across was that what you say, do, or want or feel doesn't matter because you are this object made of sexy meat that exists because of his boner. So yeah, that completely sucks and is dehumanizing. I think that having to face that really a lot of the world thinks that way about us is horrifying. Fortunately there are also amazing awesome people.
I'm really glad you posted this and i think of all the people who will see it and realize & feel empowered to speak up about things like this too. and hopefully, guys who might see it and be maybe... a bit afraid to do this sort of thing. EVER.
also i wish no one would tell you you shouldn't have said anything. what the hell are those people thinking? I mean seriously... wtf?! in what universe!!!!
Ugh! That's horrible! I am so sorry that happened to you.
Everyone who says you should have done this or you should have done that? Fuck 'em. You had no idea what the hell that guy was going to do; that kind of shit is so far outside of what you'd expect, especially from a total stranger, you never would've seriously thought anything like that would happen; and it's trained into us as women to be nice and polite and not rock the boat. It's very easy for people to say what you should (not) have done when they haven't been in that kind of a situation. You didn't do anything wrong. At all. The security guard should be ripped a new one for his attitude and response when you reported the assault and sent to sensitivity training.
Ignore all the assholes who say you shouldn't have spoken up. Ignore all the assholes who say anything that implies (or outright states) that you, by being drunk or sitting alone, or anything else, are even slightly to blame for what happened, and tell them to shove their victim blaming up their asses. You are not, in any way, shape, or form, responsible for what happened. The perverted asshole is. Your being drunk has NOTHING to do with what that asshole did. HE made the choices to sexually harass and then assault you. I was sexually assaulted in February 2010. So many times I've started to feel like if I hadn't done this or hadn't said that, things would have turned out differently--and then I remember how many times I said 'no' and told him I didn't want things to get more intimate. The only way things would have turned out differently is if he hadn't been a jackass who only cared about getting his rocks off. The same thing applies in your situation. You could have been totally sober and there could have been others in the area. The only thing that would've made a difference is if the perv had chosen not to sexually harass and assault you.
ANY FORM OF ASSAULT is a traumatic thing and NEVER should be taken lightly. Anger, fear, intense sadness (or any emotion) are normal. Our brains go nuts trying to reinitialize something traumatic happening. And don't be fooled, THIS WAS A SEXUAL ASSAULT and this guy needs to be prosecuted for it. What he did wasn't to 'get laid' or 'hook up' with her, this was an assault!
And as for the 'white knighting' grow up. I hope you never have to live though anything like this. Never trivialize things like this. Sure we are all trying to make since of it and make Ky feel more supported, because (unlike you) we are human and can empathize, because even as a dude I can't imagine what this would have done to me.
What is sad is that pricks like you (and him) exist and that Notch, PAX and the entirety of the gaming community where tainted by what he did. Even worse, making anyone believe they deserved that.
I wish there was something more I could add to this conversation, but I think I'd be basically repeating many of the well thought out comments on this page.
I just have to say that I'm deeply sorry this happened to you and I hope you're feeling better. I hang out with female friends and a lot of my time is spent acting as a buffer between them and drunk assholes, so reading your story really infuriated me. Especially that one guard who did nothing, that's really terrible.
Nick, you are absolutely laying blame on her for what happened. Saying that maybe if she'd been sober she'd have walked away from the boob pics rather than sitting there? Yeah, totally passing judgment and victim blaming. The only one who has any blame in this situation is the guy who sexually assaulted the OP. No man with a sense of decency and respect for women would have ever approached her like that jackass did, and they definitely wouldn't whip out their dick.
Saying that her being drunk had a role in what happened is like telling someone hit by a drunk driver that if they'd been walking on the sidewalk instead of on the shoulder, they likely wouldn't have been hit. Just like it doesn't f'ing matter where the victim of the drunk driver was walking because the driver should never have been driving drunk in the first place and the accident wouldn't have happened if they'd been sober, it doesn't f'ing matter if the OP was drunk or not because if the guy wasn't a jackass, the OP being assaulted never would have happened.
And you clearly do all your thinking with it, too.
Thank you so so much for this. I hope it empowers many more as well. <3
Thank you. I'm so sorry you've gone through something similar, it sickens me how many friends (both male and female) who have reached out to share stories like this. No person should be made to feel this way.
I was at that party too and it was a lot of fun. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you. I was up in the VIP as well and everyone was having a great time. It only takes one jerk to ruin it though.
Nobody's being a "prude" about touching. She is upset because he FORCED her to touch him without her permission. There's no consent there; it's assault.
Perhaps if you'd had a gross stranger rock up and stick your hand down their pants you'd understand what a shitful thing it is. Most of us don't have to experience it, as we've got something called 'empathy'.
I don't think she said "mentally scarred for life" or "PTSD" anywhere up there. She said some dude assaulted her and she's upset. I think that's pretty fair.
I wonder how you'd feel if some gross stranger suddenly grabbed your hand and shoved it down his pants? I figure you wouldn't be thrilled either.
It was a party. People, male and female, drink at parties. All she was doing was sitting there reading her phone. It was the guy who grabbed her hand and stuck it down his pants - but it's HER you accuse of 'poor judgement'? Way to blame the victim.
@random - So you were; I can practically see it sticking up out of the collar of your shirt. :)
I don't understand the big deal. One time I knew this slutty chick. I literally only knew one other person other than myself who hadn't done her at some point. Anyway, within 10-15 minutes of meeting her she bit my butt. I didn't flip out and cry all over the place and create a big internet drama like my life was ruined. I just made a mental note not to turn my back on her anymore and got on with life. It's not like I was injured and she didn't mean any harm. It's not like she put a gun to my head and kidnapped me for strap-on rape or something. It was rude, yes, but what happened to both of us was just a minor inconvenience.
" Did he not even HEAR the amount of times I mentioned my boyfriend? "
If someone wants to sexually assault you, they don't care if you have a boyfriend - especially if that said boyfriend is not sitting right next to you. (Which would only get the man to understand "ah, someone cares about her and is sitting next to her. If I try something, that man will make a scene.")
YOU have to make the scene, not your boyfriend, that often isn't there.
I've read it before; girls believing mentioning they have a man in their life will back perpetrators off... It won't. Stand up for yourself and listen to your gut feeling. Something is off with the guy - walk away ASAP. Or say what you feel: "Hey, back off, I don't want to talk to you." (which will probably give the response "I was just trying to have a nice conversation with you, why are you so fucking bitchy?")
WALK AWAY or at least, be ANGRY about what he did, do not blame yourself and stop taking shit.
Love!
Get off your high horse Tangles. She was totally blameless but your safety is your responsibility. You cannot wish away all the perverts in the world, it will be a long slow process of eliminating them from society. In the mean time it is important you learn lessons from this and take your own safety seriously.
Carry a rape whistle, vocalise discomfort (if you can guarantee your safety with friends and security near), report all incidents like this immediately. Creeps operate on the principle that women are unlikely to report them, that is something that unfortunately rests with the victims. They need to report these guys and act so they do not continue harassing other women. The whole i'm on my cell phone act is not effective on normal drunken males, the creep used the opportunity of her distraction to launch his assault. YES you do have to tell him to move or fuck off because sadly that is the world we live in. Victims are blameless but you can steps to avoid becoming one and protect other women.
Can't we just ban "booth babes" and ban alcohol?
I relate to this so much. I once tipped a cab driver who sexually harassed me because I wasn't sure what else to do.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
allright, look ladies and gentlemen.
first of all, yes lady, you have your right to post in your blog whatever the hell you well damn like.....and i have the right to critizice it because neither you or me are omnipotent beings protected from any kind of criticism.
Second you got a druken idot putting his dick on your hand in a party full of drunken teenagers, nothing else happened, after that you keep drinking and partying, everything okay, you should have slapped that guy, or told him to fuck off clear and loud, or poured the drink on his face, or called your friends, or called the guards or even what you did (ignoring him, even if this is kind of stupid but understandable). But.....running to a cab...holding tears? trying not to remember the situation? did you get mentally scarred? seriously lady, i would understand this from someone with psychological problems, someone who has problems socialazing or that has been a victim of rape or something similar. But you are an ADULT GROWN UP WOMAN, someone who can drive, drink, work, vote, go to jail and so on, you are not a child nor someone with autism or aspergers nor a mentally scarred frail being.You are overreacting, trying your "im a gamer in a gamer industry" card bullshit (us gamers uh? us gamers, you get it? is a gamer joke!) and trying to get attention from really sad people that are unable to distinguish between an apple and a watermelon because they have their heads up their asses.
the drunken guy wasn't a horrible person, he was a drunken annoying retard and an asshole, people that kill kittens are horrible, people who rape children, men and women are horrible, killers are horrible, warlords are horrible, rich men that decide when and where a war is started and sell weapons, drugs and expensive resources product of slave labour are horrible. And you honey, are retarded, you werent surrounded by a group of guys, you werent raped against a wall by someone holding a knive to your thoat, you werent the victim of a long term abusive relationship, you were just o grown up woman touching the penis of a drunken jerk in a fucking party, you should have feel disturbed, disgusted, angry, annoyed and any other way any mentally stable man or woman should.....but almost bursting into tears and making an issue of this with such "im a poor victim in a dogs word" speech? well yes princess, of course im going to critizice you.
And third but not last if something "horrible" should happen to me or my family (which has happened a lot of times) you can be damn sure i will not post it in a fucking blog (but that, of course is me) and if i did it wouldn't be something as retarded as how much of a weak minded retard i was with something trivial. I dont know how shit works in america, land of freedom in which rights are a priviledges, but in my country there are different califications for crimes and offenses depending of the circunstances, people involved, the result of the action, and the action itself. This would be a minor sexual offense (a laughable one indeed, especially taking into account your circumstances), while getting fucked (anally, oral or vaginal, with objects) is the biggest sexual crime, a crime that would get an higher ratting if there is more people involved or the victim was in a circumstance of inferiority, or if there was violence, they were familiars, the victim was a minor and so on.
now, this speech is longer but due to me not knowing how this shit fuctions (first time posting in this place) i will post this here and the continuation later, sorry.
this is my second part of the speech, sorry.
You are making a mountain from a molehill so dont expect respect from me (a respect that of course you dont need neither i do from you), instead you should expect my most sincere disrespect towards your stupidity. Thanks to people like you millions of women that have to sweat blood in this life to archive something and that have actually suffered real horrors are not taken seriously because ms "fake feminist gurl gamer" was gropped in a party or a drunken asshole make her hold his penis for three seconds without more consequences, and at the end it isnt what it happened to you or how you reacted to it, no, thats not the real problem (because even if it was a retarded way of acting stills understandable) but how you have exposed the situation and the way you have victimized yourself.
What would i have done? i would have beaten the crap out of that guy, the guards would have taken me out and probably someone would have charged me (not the first time). Im not a though guy , i am not fucking rambo nor bruce lee, im actually a extremely insecure guy thanks to a decade of psychological abuse in school during my young and teenager days, a time that i remember every day, every year for almost 6 years now, i dont deserve pity because i realize how much of an idiot i was for not facing them, they were weak and i was a coward, i got what i deserved.Now i have learnt, and the same mistake will not happen to me twice, thats life, you dont get a cushion of flowers and a bowl of candy with a hundred idiots protecting you through an internet blog, you just lick your wounds, wake up and say "no more".A lot of people doesnt have the ability to do this, yes, a lot of them, BUT FOR GODS SAKE, THEY ARE PEOPLE THAT HAVE TRULY SUFFERED (not even i) NOT A GROWN UP WOMAN THAT HAD TO HOLD THE PENIS OF DRUNKEN MAN IN A FUCKING PARTY FOR 3 SECONDS WITHOUT EVEN BEING FORCED TO DO IT AND WITHOUT ANY OTHER CONSEQUENCE, HE WAS A JERK AND YOU ARE NOT A FRAIL LITTLE RAPE SURVIVOR,GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
And sorry for my english
Well congrats on getting over that so quickly. Here, I've got an award for you!
Oh, wait! Looks like you've got another award here too, it's labeled "Biggest dickhead that lacks any respect of feelings for others". I'm told that one was well deserved.
Seriously, she can post what she wants on her blog and she had every right to react the way she did. If you don't like it fuck off.
Lots of love,
Victim blaming, whee!
You know what happens sometimes when women dare to turn a guy down so bluntly? We get called bitch/cunt/whore/lesbian, or threatened, and so on. Sometimes we get grabbed as we attempt to walk away if our "no" doesn't matter enough to an entitled asshole who persists. We have no idea who will and who won't act like this, either, so being civil IS a way of possibly keeping ourselves safe, hoping they'll get bored and go away, hoping they're not misinterpreting our disinterest and obvious "not now" gestures, or mentioning boyfriends, as a go ahead for trying harder. We really do know the score already, and better than you do, guy, we live it. What's more, a jerk who has no problem with committing sexual assault is probably not going to listen to you or care about what you want, only what THEY want. They might even get off on the fact that you don't want anything to do with them.
It seems like no matter what we do, some idiot will blame us when -someone else- does awful things to us, so we get to feel ashamed and guilty for something we couldn't have prevented. To summarise; the only thing that causes an assault to happen is an assailant.
Think about these things sometime(like, now), unknown arse.
What a start to this story - So before I write up my official PAX Prime blogpost I wanted to touch on this << lmao you got some sense of humour considering what happened.
@Abrar Zahin Shahriar is it banned in your country? I hear certain muslim countries don't allow it, why don't you go there if you feel so strong about it?
That actually wasn't intentional. :|
The only "should haves" here are...
She should have been able to sit and relax in peace.
He should have kept his dick in his pants and his hands to himself.
Who cares if they hired girls to walk around naked. It still doesn't excuse this guys actions. Don't blame the Girls flirting with guys as if that was the contributing factor for this assholes actions. Might as well blame the music that was playing.
He whipped it out. He grabbed her and made her touch it. HE DID IT.
Ignore the "should'ves." I'm sure your friends were well intentioned, but it does make us feel like we reacted wrong. The human body's response to stress is fight or flight, but in some situations, the decision happens without our conscious mind having a lot of input. Your brain assessed the situation and realized that immediate escape was the best course of action. He was a stranger--you didn't know if screaming and hollering would have led to violence or bodily harm.
I am so very sorry this happened to you. No matter what you were wearing or what you were drinking NO ONE has the right to do that shit. Why do we keep saying to other women "don't get assaulted," when we should be saying to men "don't assault"? You can't predict what those with a severe mental condition might do, of course, so precautions should be taken. But for fuck's sake, why do otherwise mentally sound individuals think it's okay to go places and do this? Would he do that at work? In the grocery store? No, of course not, because the cops would haul his ass away. So why is it okay to do that at a party? (Short answer, it ain't.)
I am so incredibly sorry to hear this happened. While you are weathering the inevitable bullshit well, I'd like to state for the record that there's nothing about this guy's behavior that was acceptable. It was predatory, illegal, and disgusting.
No matter what anyone else says, those are the facts.
My best to you.
You probably will not get to this, but please do not ever feel this was your fault. That idiot should be ashamed and ( in my perfect world ) punished. If someone ever makes unwanted advances/actions to anyone please put them in their place. These people are typically cowards that just a little bit of confidence will make them run into their little hole.
Thank you, and hopefully if I ever have to experience something like this again I'll be quicker on my feet to react (not just to the person involved but to the police as well)
Also, I've been reading every comment that comes in, even though not responding to them all.
No. We're not. Because you're an idiot and it's my blog and I'll keep going as long as I want. I'm going to link you to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network's definition of sexual assault, but I have the STRANGEST feeling that you're going to find some way that it doesn't apply here or it's not a legit definition. http://www.rainn.org/get-information/types-of-sexual-assault/was-it-rape
Actually, I'm going to copy and paste it here too cause I also have a strange feeling you're not going to bother with the link at all and just come back with some retort about how I'm just a whiny cunt. I'm not sure why YOU are getting so defensive, it's not like I came out and said "BipolarHernandez made me touch his [tiny] dick."
Sexual assault is unwanted sexual contact that stops short of rape or attempted rape. This includes sexual touching and fondling. (But, be aware: Some states use this term interchangeably with rape.)
Sorry to hear that. What you did was very understandable. People could tell you now that you should have done this and that, but NO ONE will ever understand unless they are in that position themselves. Heck, I took a lot of classes about how to be prepare for this stuff. I know that I should have made a scene. I know that I should have fight back. I know that I should have not felt ashamed, but when I was harass, I froze too because I was caught off guard. It didn't really helped too when my surroundings started blaming me and saying all the should haves. I was in a sweater and jeans; no invitation to try to grab me. So I do understand what you are going through.
"This is more common than people think and could happen to anyone you love, anywhere, anytime, in any community."
And it does. And I'm glad you are alive. I'm glad you are here to tell us this. You are a survivor. Don't let this asshole ruin anything for you. It may take time to pull yourself together again. But you can do it! I wish you best. And I hope this bad experience will help you thrive in your life and career! :)
Look, the "TOTALLY DOESN'T CONSTITUTE AS SEXUAL ASSAULT" was sarcasm. I guess I worded it wrong. I'm not saying you were sexually assaulted, but you were sexually assaulted by some lonely virgin fuck and did nothing about it for an unknown amount of time except tweet things like "I NEED AN ADULT AGAIN." You honestly thought that someone would respond seriously to that? I know you were drunk, but come on! You had plenty of warning sirens and plenty of opportunities to retaliate, but you didn't. Instead you fucked off to wherever your friends were and waited an unstated amount of time before trying to find a bouncer. Jesus. I pity you for all the wrong reasons.
So it's okay for a man to try to take advantage of a woman who may have a bit lit. Says a lot about the guy and you. When I was 13 a friend of my sister's did a bit of groping (the guy was probably in his late 20's) - it took me years to tell my sister because I thought I was at fault. Do not trivialize this.
Sorry, you know that sarcasm can be difficult to read over text. I've edited my post to state a more specific amount of time. It was somewhere around 30 minutes from incident > trying to shake it off > telling security > leaving. My tweet about the incident was at 1:22am and the party ended exactly at 2am. It wasn't that long at all.
Amazing how people here are telling you just what you should have done. It all seems so clear when you're not experiencing the situation in real time, and you don't have to make decisions on the spot, and you're not tipsy, and you don't have to do it in a social context where you might want to avoid being confrontational, etc. Even after it happened your mind might not fully process what has just happened (as you clearly point out in your post). 20/20 hindsight wankery is what it is.
But what really shocks me is those that are trying to say that this wasn't really sexual assault (even 'jokingly') - so when is it? When he ejaculates inside you?!? Sheesh, what kind of a parallel universe do these people live in? Or have they had their empathy amputated?
Suffice to say, sorry you have to go through this, but thank you for highlighting it - if you don't speak up people will continue to think that this kind of thing doesn't exist.
So what can be done to stop this sort of thing from happening?
I mean, I can offer all the internet sympathy I want, but at the end of the day I'm some random person you don't know, will probably never meet, and whose words therefore really don't have any more meaning that the horde of other people who've commented before me. So I'd rather try to move the discussion to the logical next phase.
Namely, what is the best course of action to take, assuming you're a bystander who doesn't catch the assaulter (or whatever the correct term is in this case) in the act and thus doesn't have the option of simply intervening to stop the douchebag? Or if you are the victim, what would be the most effective response to try to ingrain as automatic beforehand so that you don't freeze up should it actually happen (preferably one that doesn't end up as outright paranoia)?
What differentiates somebody who's just socially awkward and does not intend to come off as unsettling from somebody who's an actual creeper, so that you can differentiate people who can be warned off from people who must be either evaded or confronted before they do shit like this?
I don't know the answers to these, but I really want to. That way, I might be able to actually do something useful if I were ever close enough to a similar situation that my options didn't begin and end with "offer random comfort over the Internet".
"Namely, what is the best course of action to take, assuming you're a bystander who doesn't catch the assaulter (or whatever the correct term is in this case) in the act and thus doesn't have the option of simply intervening to stop the douchebag?"
First of all, make sure the victim is okay. Make sure they are safe, and that they feel safe. Make sure they know that they are not to blame and that you're there to support them. If they want to report the crime, support them in that too.
"Or if you are the victim, what would be the most effective response to try to ingrain as automatic beforehand so that you don't freeze up should it actually happen (preferably one that doesn't end up as outright paranoia)?"
As someone who's been a victim of a few sexual assaults and one rape, I've yet to figure this one out. Once I managed to react quickly enough to punch the guy responsible in the face. The other times I felt sickened and terrified and just wanted to get the f*** out of there. It's very easy to create hypotheticals about what you want to do in this kind of situation, but in the moment it's often so shocking and horrifying that you just freeze.
If you can, report the assault to the authorities as soon as possible. Don't mince words; use the phrase "sexual assault". Make it clear that you're reporting a crime. If you can't, that's okay. You've just been assaulted and your number one priority is to take care of yourself.
"What differentiates somebody who's just socially awkward and does not intend to come off as unsettling from somebody who's an actual creeper, so that you can differentiate people who can be warned off from people who must be either evaded or confronted before they do shit like this?"
The number one warning sign is a lack of respect for personal boundaries. A man who doesn't respect a woman's right to say "no" to flirting and touching is more likely to ignore her right to say "no" to further sexual contact. Women are trained to be hypervigilant about these warning signs, because they're part of the MO for most rapists. And while we're at it, rapists are not who you think they are. They're not strangers in bushes - they're your friends, your acquaintances, and often they're "decent guys". We live in societies that are geared towards dismissing and trivialising women's reports of creepy male behaviour, even when they turn to their male friends and boyfriends for help.
In short: watch out for men who keep pushing after being told "no", and listen to what your female friends tell you about men.
One more point: the above post is phrased in terms of men assaulting women, but I certainly didn't mean to imply that that is the only kind of sexual assault that happens! Neither the perpetrators nor victims of sexual violence are restricted to one gender.
Can't say I've ever thought it appropriate to expose myself to someone without even a minimum of back and forth flirting, but I am fairly clueless about meeting people. When I'm single I cross my fingers that a friend will be able to introduce me to girls but that's about a twice in a decade kind of thing so
If I'm a decent representative of this* men approach girls/women sitting alone because it seems less complicated than approaching a group, and it's easy to project our own loneliness onto someone that is visually alone, and in so doing psyche ourselves up for what is probably going to be a really clumsy conversation, if not a total dismissal or otherwise dead end.
*Well not THIS- I'm just spazzing out too much over a tiny tangential question.
But I don't drink, attend sporting events, or sign up for any sorts of clubs so I'm out the usual venues for meeting strangers. On the up side my extremely timid approach to this means I never made even half as much an ass of myself before I became aware of women's problems. After that I'm not nearly so scared about being boring (which was the leading cause of my being boring- this seems like a good place for some hashtag about first world problems except privileged gender- I'm no good at this...)
-In a group (like stationary chit chat) is a significantly less awful time to approach women for flirting, right? It isn't as easy to plan a conversation there but planned conversations are generally terrible anyway.
**Phrasing this as a question being the low risk way of asserting it. Slim chance but just maybe somebody will see it and kick the singling-women-out habit? That's probably just wishful thinking...
It's very common for the victim to blame herself, but the assaulter is the only one actually responsible
To me, I'd rather be approached if I'm in a group or, if I'm alone, I'm actively socializing with many people. There were many guys and girls I met that night for the first time who either I approached or they approached me and I have no issue with. I think being alone, on a couch, looking at my phone at a very social party should probably be a sign that I need some time to myself. But, maybe that's just me. I can't speak for all women.
The only thing that I think should have happened is that you should have beaten the hell out of him while you had the chance. I'm sure you were just in too much shock to react, but in retrospect, I'm sure that's what you wished you had done. I'm glad you had friends there for you. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would have seen you weren't really interested, you didn't want to be rude, and were just responding because someone was talking to you. I do suggest that the next time you want to be alone, and someone starts talking to you, ask them if you could be alone, that you don't feel like talking to anyone. Its not rude to do so, and it shouldn't hurt anyone, especially a stranger. Nothing you did was wrong. It was all him. I'm sorry that you went through that.
Hello Lady!
So glad to have found you first of all. We have been livid since we heard about this and I'm so wishing I could have come to PAX this year now. @GGR we're all rape survivors (except for Blaster)and understand how important it is to speak out about these things. This anti-girl sentiment that's now taken flight in our gaming communities, YET AGAIN is just amazing.
Last night, on our podcast, we spent time talking about what happened to you and have been trying to find out not only who YOU were, but who that is that did this to you. We'd also like to know the security company, all of this needs to made public and while I know you'd like it to go away, please don't back down.
If ANYONE knows who that guy is, please let us (and or the police) know. If he's doing this to her,he'd doing it to others or worse. Those who are saying it's not like she was really raped. Imagine she's 5 years old..would you say that to a 5 year old girl too? It's no different. Shouldn't have happened, period. And he should thank his lucky stars we were not there. We would have had to go Dolly Pardon on his ass. Change him from a Rooster to a Hen with one swipe. Bastard.
We got your back girl. Let us know if we can do anything to help.
-the GGR Crew
The thing is, there ARE things that should be done and it's not so much telling her what she should have done, but teaching those that follow how they should handle situations like this one. Sadly I was only 5 when I was sexually assaulted. Have a had situations like this happen to me as an adult? Yes and what I advise other women to do, the same way I handled it. I kicked his ass. Is this the right course of action for her? Possibly not, but we have to teach out little girls to save the fear for later, in the moment react so that that bastard doesn't get away.
In the age of cell phones, 911 should have been called immediately. And name of security guards should have been gotten. They get away with this because we go into shock instead of reacting in a way that makes sure it NEVER happens again. But people are able to do amazing things, even when in shock.
I'm still so sorry this happened..this along with the sexual harassment suit involving Brad Wardell has made it a bad week for women in the gaming community/industry. smh
-the GGR crew
Thank you. Photos from the event got emailed out to all VIP attendees and I spent part of last night going through them (and a couple friends did as well) but, honestly, none of us could tell you if he was in those pictures or not.
None of this is your fault, you should not feel guilty in any way. The only thing I can say I wish had happened differently is I wish you had made a scene and had this guy reported to the authorities. What he did was not only disgusting but illegal and you can bet he's done it to other women and you won't be the last. In the heat of the moment when you're trying to process it all, it's hard to think of what to do besides get away, so there is no blame for your actions, here.
Having been on the receiving end of creeps before, I've got a bit more of a trigger finger now when it comes to any level of ickiness. We should not have to live with heightened awareness and a careful eye out at all times but such is that there are still asshats like these. We should be able to chill with our phones/ipads/ds at a party while not being harassed. It's disgusting to me that women, even gamers, can't be just "one of the guys". You'd think we were still dealing with neanderthals sometimes.
It's even more disturbing to me that the security for the party made you feel like you were making a big deal from nothing. You were not. That guy needed to found, reported and thrown to the police. That security officer should be schooled on sexual harassment.
SO BRAVE
What a creep! And what a useless guard!
There's no reason you should feel guilty or responsible for anything. You aren't responsible for other people's actions, especially nothing like that. It isn't your place to have to tell some guy that it isn't okay to make inappropriate moves on you without warning. That's assault, and it's not okay in any circumstance.
I'm sorry that your fun time at pax had to end with such a gross and unsettling encounter.
Rest assured, people at the PA are mad that something like this went down, especially so close to PAX where people may associate the two events, and we hope this hasn't ruined PAX forever for you.
In these kinds of situations you can always 'agree & amplify'.
"You know, I'm not sure if your penis is big enough or not. Here let me take a pic of it (and your face). I have 65,432 twitter followers who will be happy to let us all know what they think of your penis size."
Thank you. <3
Definitely none of this is in any way your fault and the fact you were somewhat inebriated doesn't change this.
The problem is that many people, mostly radical feminists, are trying to use this as an excuse to blame the entire nerd / gaming culture. Instead of truly understanding you, they are trying to project their own agendas on this incident. Even to the point of invalidating your own views.
And that, at least to me, is not nice either.
"I don't exactly know what it is about a girl sitting alone, at a party that just screams "YES I TOTALLY WANT TO BE BOTHERED BY YOU, RANDOM GUY" but it does."
the urge to procreate? it can make most of us guys into assholes.
not that I'm excusing what this ass did at the minecraft party, I meant in general, isn't that what happens at parties? you go up to people and talk?
You're preaching to the choir here. I tried to curb that crap with the stuff in bold at the top of the post, but it doesn't matter. People will twist your words to fit their view of things no matter what.
My point was mainly that if someone is not being social at a very social event (sitting alone at a huge, open bar party) then it should probably be a red flag. I don't know of any time that I've gone to sit by myself at a club/bar/party and it been because I wanted to be talked to by guys. I'd rather guys approach me while I'm having fun and being pretty obviously social with other people.
Ky, considering your recent experience, I thought this article might be insightful. Also, I wish all those people who try to use your experience as part of a larger agenda against the gamer community would read it too(not that you are doing that).
I'm sorry the guy was being a drunk idiot and that you had a bad experience, but I applaud you for the way that you have handled it. While others have labeled it 'assualt', I feel that it is a grave injustice to the men and women who have actually been 'assaulted' sexually. What he did was wrong, beyond question. I just wish folks would choose their words more carefully. Thanks for NOT being a victim.
Warm regards
http://maggiemcneill.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/capricious-lusts/
Gingir, isn't that kind of like saying that you should be able to text and drive, or that you shouldn't look out for drunk drivers or deer on dark country roads? I am not excusing the guy's behavior in any way shape or form, but saying that we should not have to be aware of what is going on around us and careful when in an unfamiliar environment surrounded by strangers while intoxicated is pretty ridiculous. I go out quite regularly, all over the world, and I never stop looking over my shoulder. That would just be foolish.
im not justifying that preak at all.. its wrong from what ever scope u look through. But sadly those and many other trads are arround us on every given moment. So if u just pay atention and try not to be exposed to those creepy ppl, all happy. We must take care of our selfs some times. Dont get me wrong pls. Sorry for the crapy english
Living in a college town, unfortunate situations like this are sadly all too common. You played it pretty boss.
Can I just say though how awesome "NOPE'D the fuck out of there" is? My new favorite phrase for sure and will be implemented daily haha
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